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Sunday, June 26th, 2011 10:58 pm
During last week’s game, we got to the stage where we were making plans. Well, Jonathan was making plans as his character, who Lázár has nicknamed “Ponce.” And as he was making plans, he was looking at me for advice and approval.

Which of course Lázár, my current character, is completely unsuited to give: he’s not a planner or a deep thinker. No; it was simply a holdover from last game, when Jonathan played a character named Niccolo and I played Tokugawa-- who was a planner, a rationalist, a strategist.

And who is not entirely gone from my mind, so I felt her surge of satisfaction/triumph. You see, she said to me, you see what I have made.

xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx


I took a walk down to the bank. There were some climbing roses and they smelled the way roses are meant to. There were trees-- so many-- whispering endlessly. There were houses for sale, and I populated their empty windows with my doubts.


xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx



xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx

I learned something, long ago: I cannot ask my family to do anything.

Well, that’s not strictly true. I can ask them for certain things. As long as they’re small, and they cause very little inconvenience, and aren’t too expensive. As long as they don’t require anyone to sacrifice on my behalf.

Nor can I call to complain about anything, and expect to be soothed, comforted, cheered up. Nor can I ever expect to be spoiled or coddled, taken care of. All of these things are my job-- just as it’s my job to be okay, no matter what.

But every once and a while I forget that certain things are not allowed. I make a request, something that ought to be simple.

And then I learn, once again.

xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx


I really shouldn’t try my hand at humor when depressed, it makes me far too cynical:

Blankman: ‎KB is sorry she causes cancer.
Me: Only in lab rats, but EVERYTHING causes cancer in lab rats.
KB: Why must I cause such suffering and despair?
Me: Lab rats are born for suffering and despair. Human souls gotta go somewhere on their next round of incarnation. The karmatic burden would be unmanageable otherwise.

xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx


There’s a one-pound coin that I carry around in my wallet, I call it my lucky pound. Because it shares a birth year with me. And because it’s scratched and worn and dirty, kicked around, all its innocent shine worn away. It’s a coin that has traveled far and seen some hard use.

Kind of like me.

And even so, despite all that, it’s a pound. Legal tender. Not worth quite as much as it once was, to be sure, but still worth something.

I hope that’s like me, too. That’s why it’s my lucky pound.

xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx


Written in Pencil in the Sealed Railway-Car, by Dan Pagis
כתוב בעפרון בקרון החתום / דן פגיס

כאן במשלוח הזה

אני חוה

עם הבל בני

אם תראו את בני הגדול

קין בן אדם

תגידו לו שאני
Written in Pencil in the Sealed Railway-Car, by Dan Pagis

here in this carload
i am eve
with abel my son
if you see my other son
cain son of man
tell him that i

~translated from the Hebrew by Stephen Mitchell
Monday, June 27th, 2011 02:06 am (UTC)
Nor can I call to complain about anything, and expect to be soothed, comforted, cheered up. Nor can I ever expect to be spoiled or coddled, taken care of. All of these things are my job-- just as it’s my job to be okay, no matter what.

Oh boy howdy I'm in this boat with you. Family. Wow.

Vienna Teng is awesome. Thanks for sharing. :)
Monday, June 27th, 2011 11:17 pm (UTC)
She is rather. :-) I also like her songs "Gravity" and "Lullaby for a Stormy Night." I think they're all off the same CD . . . clearly I need to get my hands on it sooner rather than later. <3