August 2012

   1 234

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Sunday, October 30th, 2011 09:30 pm
Staring at my phone, which persists in not ringing. At my calendar, with its neat grid of empty squares. Skype is open on my computer, with a row of empty contacts. Gmail is open, and with it Gchat, but no one has sent me a message that way in . . . well. A while.

I did honestly believe I was a good friend, once. Now, I wonder. Because if I were a good friend-- if people wanted to talk to me, wanted me around-- they would call, every once in a while. Invite me . . . somewhere, anywhere. To do . . . something, anything.

I look back at my calendar, and realize . . . just about everything on it, I arranged. Concerts I tracked down, TV shows I wanted to see, gym sessions I lined up, lunches I reserved.

People are busy with their own lives, I have told myself, so many times, so firmly. It doesn't mean they don't care. You need to take responsibility for yourself. You need social interaction to keep yourself mentally healthy, so you need to arrange it. That's the way it is.

And normally I do that. But-- gods, lately it just seems like I can't. And failing at that just leads me down an endless, spiraling slide of . . . of . . .

I know. I'm aware of it. I know that I'm depressed. I know that it's understandable to be depressed. I know that looking for a job is difficult. I know that. I know.

Too much knowing. I understand too much and nothing at all. I just want to pull myself out from under this pall-- I want so desperately to feel again the joy I have found in the world-- but I keep failing, and with every failure I just seem to go under deeper. The times when I'm happy seem briefer, and disappear faster. So fast that I forget they ever were.

I'm desperately afraid that I'll forget how it feels to be happy.

I was-- supposed to be better than this, stronger than this. I was supposed to be able to succeed, no matter what.

Another failure.
Thursday, November 3rd, 2011 05:08 pm (UTC)
m(_ _)m
Sunday, October 30th, 2011 10:55 pm (UTC)
Maybe it's not going to go over well to comment on this, but I really feel what you're saying. I think you've put into words a lot of discontent I personally am feeling, with my grant-writing not going well and everything else. Which is ironic, since I'm one of the people who has not contacted you via gchat in a while. Part of it is because I'm not actually looking at the gchat list, often, but part of it is - I think I was waiting for people too.

I miss you and having conversations with you. I hope you will find a job soon. I hope things will get better.

Thursday, November 3rd, 2011 05:15 pm (UTC)
You are always free to comment on anything I put up here, to your own heart's content. My sympathies on the grant writing, it sounds like an awful ordeal.

Waiting is always a problem, and . . . in my better moments I understand that a lack of contact on other people's part does not necessarily mean antipathy for my presence or person, merely inertia. And so I try to arrange things myself, make contact myself, because I can't control the behaviors of other people.

Things will get better, surely. I mean, they have to.

. . . of course the real problem is that I don't actually believe that. Things would be rather easier if I did. I can believe it for other people, but not for myself.
Monday, October 31st, 2011 12:26 am (UTC)
Come here. Seriously. I have a spare bed, and you are always welcome to it. I know New Zealand is on the other side of the world, but sometimes the other side of the world is the shock the system needs.

Thursday, November 3rd, 2011 05:26 pm (UTC)
The other side of the world sounds brilliant. ::wistful:: It's incredibly kind of you to offer such a thing. If I could only allow myself, I would be there in a minute. Well, and a span of hours on the plane. Travel is one of those things that brings me great joy . . .

. . . and which I'm not allowed to do until I've solved the job problem. Actually, a lot of things that I enjoy fall under that particular category, which is no doubt a part of the problem these days.

But I do appreciate it, I really do. Especially when I know you've had some troubles of your own, these past few months. I hope you're pulling yourself through, and that they are improving somehow . . .
Monday, October 31st, 2011 12:48 pm (UTC)
i love seeing you. i'm sorry i haven't organised things - we kept meaning to come to Edinburgh this year, but totally failed (bought at house instead).

i know i don't call or message much, but i promise it's not you, it's me not using such things very often.

do you have a landline at all? i could call you more easily then...

but anyway, you are always welcome to stay with us. and i will try and manage to travel to you at some point in the new year. or perhaps you will come live in london.
Tuesday, November 1st, 2011 09:57 pm (UTC)
Speaking of the other side of the world...

I've been pretty wrapped up in myself lately - the anemia, the lack of finances, & just... crap in general. I've not been a very good friend lately, to anyone. So don't you dare think it's your fault I've not contacted you.

I've been missing you so much. I'd love & come & visit. But my funds have taken a beating thanks to my falling ill. I am working again, but it's not enough. So once again I have to delay my trip, while my dear friend sits, halfway around the globe, lonely. And I am so sorry for that. (And actually, I didn't know you had skype - I'd totally be on it if I had).

So email me. Or I'll email you once I pull myself out of my funk. We'll chat about stupid things & help deal with each other's loneliness. Or at least try.