Anyone who reads this journal knows by now that I don't really do the "random life updates" that are so common to livejournal. Political stuff and news articles? Yes. Travel writing? Yes. Introspection? Yes. Writings? Yes. Heavily disguised and confusing angst-rambles? Yes. Poetry postings? Yes. Photos? Yes. "This is what I did today and how my life is going"? Very, very rarely.
Well, why not?
I'm . . . not entirely certain. But it's not something that's unique to my livejournal, as you may well know if you talk to me in any medium outside it. I don't really talk about my everyday life much with other people-- not on the phone, not face-to-face, not in emails or letters or IM or whatever. Possibly because, as I live it every day, it doesn't seem particularly interesting to me, and hence I consider it even less interesting to other people.
I have often been accused of hypocrisy because, while I am disinclined to share the details of my existence, I am deeply interested in the details of my friends' and family's lives and insist on hearing about them. What no one seems to understand is that this is not hypocrisy, but two entirely different situations that do not bear comparison. Apples and oranges. The same goes for when I give advice to others that I do not follow myself. Firstly, your situation and mine are entirely different. Secondly, I fail to see how my failure to do what I should invalidates the fact that it should be done, by myself and by others.
. . . I suffer deeply from wordiness. All I wanted to say in the above is that I don't often do random life updates, but today I am!
School (work) has once again eaten my life. Obscurely this makes me happy-- I like nothing better than feeling that I'm needed and useful, and staying late and coming early and working constantly throughout the day fill me with contentment. I had a terrible time adjusting to spring vacation-- an entire month when I wasn't necessary at all! It was horribly depressing for the first week or so before I adjusted and kicked myself into pursuing my own projects, at which point I felt much better. I like
to be busy, which is why I usually am. When I have nothing I'm supposed to be doing, I make things for myself to do.
Yes, I'm a workaholic. When a friend asked me to meet him during my lunch break, it took me a little while to remember that yes, I actually have one. Or I'm supposed to have one, anyway. Usually I just eat in about five minutes and go back to whatever I was doing.
So now I'm busy and happy to be so. Unfortunately, expending so much energy at school means that I have none left over for life details-- mental energy as much as physical. So for the past two weeks I've been going back to my apartment and either reading or playing video games until I fall asleep, usually without doing any cleaning or cooking or practicing or studying or emailing or writing or anything. It's not that I don't have time to do these things, it's just that they all seem to take too much effort and I'd rather sit around, thinking and doing not much at all.
Sometimes it seems like I'm a machine with only two settings: "go" and "dead."
Possible third setting: obsess over Yue. Because as I've said to majochan
, a real fangirl never dies, she just gets distracted by other shiny things for a while.
Other possible third setting: kick ass in Kingdom Hearts 2. I am totally ruling that game. Possibly because I take vicious joy in pulverising enemies with my Big Stick o' Poking and never run away from battles. And I have my Big Book o' Cheating to make sure I don't miss any items, too! But I missed one back in Twilight Town and I can't go back for it and you have no idea how much pain that hole in my items list causes me. Oh, and I think Sora's voice is teh awesome.
. . . this would be another reason why I don't do random life updates. I'd rather obsess over other things than my life. Sometimes when I talk to other people I'm astounded by just how much time and energy they devote to themselves. I don't mean that I think they're selfish or self-centered, just that . . . they ponder conversations they've had in minute detail, plan future ones, deeply analyze their interactions with others, ruminate over possibilities and choices, and expend a great deal of energy just in being themselves. It's not something that I really understand. Why obsess over my own problems? Will thinking about them make them go away or really change anything when I can't actively do something about them? Not really. So I just shrug, figure that things will work out eventually, and go on with whatever I'm doing.
Likewise I see no need to try to be myself-- whatever it is that I'm doing, or thinking, or whatever, that's myself. How could I do something that isn't me? How could I be someone that isn't me? It doesn't make sense at all. I can pretend to feel something I don't feel, but that's still me doing the pretending. I can say something I don't really mean, but that's still me doing the talking. As much as I enjoy and indulge in philosophical conversations about what makes us who we are, I don't feel particularly confused or upset about it myself.
. . . even when I try to do random life entries, I end up not doing them. Um. Today I had a first year class with Kodama-sensei, it went okay. Last night I played Kingdom Hearts 2 and had gyoza and toast and cheese and . . . um, something else I don't remember for dinner. Yesterday I had two classes with Nomura-sensei, which were a bit awkward because I don't have a pattern worked out with her yet. This weekend I'm going to see RENT. Next weekend I'm going whitewater rafting in Gifu, and that week is the recontracting conference in Kobe, and I really need to study more and practice more, and . . .
. . . and I'm very, very bored with this. Since I'm bored with this, you must be too. So. BACK TO WORK!!!