what an icebox heart I've been given

[tsubame]

A random person on Facebook wrote some sort of happy update about her joy in arranging her wedding. I read it and shrugged. How strange, I thought to myself. I didn't understand.

I didn't understand.

I . . . can think of no time when I have loved and it has brought me pure and absolute joy. Every time I have thought, I love you, it has always been tinged with a knowledge of loss, of the ephemeral. I love you, and we will part. I love you, and this moment will pass. I love you, and soon you will go, soon I will go.

Love may last, but happiness does not.

Comments

[azusachan.livejournal.com]

I find that feeling extremely familiar. In all my past relationships I've been able to look at someone, know I was in love with them, but also that I wouldn't always be. I never had to really fight for myself in situations of compromise, because I knew when it became too much I would simply leave. I let myself get walked on a lot. Hate to be one of those people that says 'it can change when you meet the right person' (particularly since, as you know, I'm such a cynic), but I have since found myself in the situation of looking at another person and not being able to see a natural end to our time together. Damn terrifying, because it means I have to be totally honest AND stick up for yourself. That's scary, real life grown-up crap right there.