explosions in the sky

From the Royal Palace (Preah Barom Reachea Veang Chaktomuk) in Phnom Penh, Cambodia. A delightful building whose sole purpose is to allow the king to get onto his elephant in an appropriately royal and dignified way.

xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx

I don’t ever want to settle for good enough. I don’t want to resign myself to getting by. I don’t want to just dream things. I don’t want to be envious of what others have done; I want to do them myself. I want my life to be the dream.

But trying to do it is so damn scary. The nagging fear is always there-- what if I can’t do it? What if I don’t measure up?

Because I know, beyond all reasonable doubt, that there is nothing particularly special about me. I don’t stand out in any way-- not in appearance, personality, or intellect. Beyond my obscure interests, I’m an utterly normal person, no better or worse than anyone else. I don’t have any particular talents. Anything that I’m good at, I’m good at only because I’ve put in a ridiculous amount of effort to become good at it.

The only thing I really have going for me is luck.

xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx

Today is Easter Sunday, and it’s the first time in years that I’ve been in a country where that actually means something. Although not so much to me, living on my own. Once upon a time Easter meant I went to church with my family, sang in the choir, and then came home to cook and eat a big family meal. Now, well . . . it’s Sunday, and like every Sunday I will call my family and go to my game, and spend the rest of the time as I see fit.

Nowadays I pick up gods along my travels. Can I say that I believe? Not with the devotion of religion-- I have experienced it, but I cannot find it in me any longer. That is to say, in my wanderings physical and mental, I have found no holy book which gave good reason why I should prize it above all other holy books. No single truth above all other truths.

So I seek to be respectful to all religions, to learn about all religions. Because I’m interested in religion, though I’m not particularly eager to take one for myself. “Spiritual rather than religious” is the mantra of many, but I don’t think it’s a fit for me. Rather than religion, rather than spirituality, I prefer philosophy.

And to find my gods where I may.

I have felt religious awe in places disparate; places with a religious function, places without. Have felt it around certain people, have felt it in certain people. Places and people who belonged to different religions, or no religions at all. Even in animals I have found it; god in the liquid eye of a deer, the flicker of light on a school of silver fish. I cannot discriminate between them; the feeling was the same. And I have participated in religious services of all kinds, whole-heartedly and respectfully, without feeling that I betrayed anyone or anything.

Choose. Choose one. That’s what everyone wants. Choose one religion, one book, one pantheon, one mythology, one philosophy, one star, one question, one name, one explanation, one equation, one interest, one area, one country, one book, one style, one life, one instrument, one viewpoint, one door, one one one one one.

No.

In a world of such fantastic diversity, such immense and glorious variety, how can I possibly pick? Why must I? The world contains multitudes; I am a world; I contain multitudes. If I must choose, I choose everything.

My one thing is everything.