aiming for the light

[tsubame]

Why is it that no matter what I do, it never seems to be good enough? Somehow my failures always outweigh my accomplishments, and the only thing I can ever see is where I've fallen short. I hate it, I hate feeling like this, constantly inadequate, and yet I can't seem to escape it. And when I listen to other people recounting their successes, I find that I have nothing of my own to say, nothing to brag about, and my life stretches both behind me and in front like an empty void.

"I must live a life beyond anyone's dreaming," I say to myself, but what good is it? Simply a way to make up for an unsatisfactory existence, to blur over the manifold failures with the haze of exoticism. But what difference does that make, really? In the end the failures are still there, all of them. My accomplishments, the amazing places I've been and the adventures I've had, my pictures and my stories, all molder and collect dust under my bed. Because no one cares, and I can't even seem to make anyone care. For that matter, I can hardly care myself, and I find myself belittling what I've done, or not talking about it at all so as to avoid making others feel bad.

And I'm whining, which disgusts me, and I've deleted any number of similar entries since I started writing in this damn thing that only encourages my idiotic self-pity, my delusions of connecting to other people. I have work, I have more work than any sane person can conceive of doing in a single week, and I'd better start working on it or else I'll be racking up an entire semester's worth of failures.

Comments

[apis-cerana.livejournal.com]

First off -- I'm sorry you're so stressed out. I'm so very sorry. I really have no idea what you must be going through...But still, everybody has failures. People have to go through that all the time, unfortunately. It sucks. But people have to fail in order to take the next step.

I think you should realize that a whole lot of people care about you and your many many accomplishments, your stories.

And I'm whining, which disgusts me, and I've deleted any number of similar entries since I started writing in this damn thing that only encourages my idiotic self-pity, my delusions of connecting to other people.

You should get rid of your LJ then? Or at least abandon it for a while?

[daharmaster.livejournal.com]

Like vash says...a lot of people do care about you, and about your stories. Very much so. We don't think you're a failure or not good enough or have nothing to say.
Your failures are no more visible or weighty than your accomplishments, which are manifold. It's hard, sometimes, not to belittle yourself, but the world will do enough of that to you; fight against the urge to join in the battle on their side and do it to yourself as well.

Existence is unsatisfactory. It's kinda the way things go. But I hope, once this craziness of final work is over, that you will be able to take a breath again, look around, and remember the things that make up for the general unsatisfactoriness of life. The little things that get blurred over but which in reality make up a life.

we care, 'Rena-sama. We really do. Even if it doesn't actually help you in any concrete way, we do care. Is that not itself a connection?

[(Anonymous)]

ditto ~SN aka\RK