a song of ice and fire

[tsubame]

First, for anyone who's not aware, saiunkoku_fic is holding their annual Secret Santa exchange. Everyone should head over and sign up, it's going to be awesome!

Here's an interesting blog post for anyone who reads George R.R. Martin-- basically a critique of his story structure in writing A Song of Ice and Fire, and how it might be linked to the long delay in the writing of A Dance with Dragons.

I ended up there because I was reading Orbit's post on breaking the rules of writing in NaNoWriMo, which is also well worth the read.

xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx xOx

I got back one of my assessment grades today, and it was . . . not terrible, but also not awesome. I have a feeling that a distinction in this particular course is pretty much impossible. Which leads me to doubt whether a distinction is possible in my other courses.

Which, of course, makes me feel . . . well, terrible. Because somewhere in my brain there's something that demands that I excel at whatever I'm doing, and when I don't . . . it's this sick twisting in my gut again, the understanding that, as always, I'm not good enough.

I became a great deal more confident during my time in Japan, I think. I had work for which I was praised, friends who bolstered my self image, hobbies at which I could succeed. Just the fact that I was living in Japan made me special. After five years, I suppose it's only natural that I acquired a swelled head.

And only natural that, once again, the world will show me just how misplaced my self confidence is. Will demonstrate that I'm not nearly as smart as I think I am. Will illustrate that I'm barely average, barely adequate to the task to which I have set myself.

Oh, I will pass. Of that, at least, I have no doubt. I will do reasonably all right.

But that's all. Because in the end, I'm not special, I'm not amazing. I'm just ordinary, one of the crowd, shuffling along somewhere in the middle line. Unremarked, unremarkable.

Me.

Comments

Please forgive me for intruding...

[beyondthemoor.livejournal.com]

Delete this if I'm intruding or walking in in the middle of the conversation. ^^; It's none of my business... but I have been (am?) where you are.

If you've managed to do so much, and do it so well... yes, you get used to it. ;) It's kind of nice -- because you have that comfort, that understanding, that as long as you work hard enough, as long as you do your best, you *know* you'll get there.

It's when the curve-balls hit you, and you realise that your best isn't... getting you where you are used to being, where you should be, that it kind of... yes, suckerpunches you. In the, "WTF, I'm doing everything right, why aren't things falling into place? What the Hell?"-kind of way.

(At least, that's a bit what it was like for me -- I was raised with the, "Do your best, and it will be recognised"-philospohy.)

Since moving from academics into the 'real world' of work, I'm finding... that's actually working against me. It's better to tow the line, to follow directions (no matter how illegal, corrupt, or absolutely backwards they are), and above all, keep quiet/keep your head down. Because you don't want to stick out.

Again, this goes against all I've ever done, my entire work ethic. But there are other things I've learned since I entered the 'real world', and if I'd kept on my blind run of success, I don't think I would have learned them... Sometimes those things that force you to stop, to look around and wonder WTH is going on?, and to look beneath what's around you... Sometimes you learn a heckuva lot more when you hit them. They'll hit you, too, hard -- but sometimes you need to let them hit you so you know what they are, and how hard they are, so that you recognise them for what they are later, and how to overcome them instinctively when they show up again. Because they'll make you stop, slow down, and take a good look at what's going on around you. Sometimes it isn't what's hit you that really 'hit you' -- it's the other things you missed that left you blindsided to it. ^^;

Hmmm... I just read that over, and it may not have come across as I meant it to! Sorry!!! ^^;

What I mean to say is, when these types of things, these 'speedbumps', don't look at what they're limiting you in doing. Look at what they're pointing out that you need to turn into a strength.

For what it's worth, I don't think you have a swelled head. ;) You don't come across that way at all.

And your self-confidence isn't misplaced. You are good, exceptional in fact, at many things -- but we all need a reminder, once in a while, of things we can improve in ourselves, too. (And good grief, do I get that reminder f*ing daily...) ;) But we need to remember, too, that we need those improvements only in those occasional areas that pop up -- overall, we are pretty f*ing amazing and awesome.

Trust me. ;)



Anyway, sorry for intruding and please forgive the soap-box diatribe. You enjoy your time in the UK, I envy you! ;)

Re: Please forgive me for intruding...

[grey-damaskena.livejournal.com]

It's not an intrusion, so don't worry at all. :-) Anyone and everyone is welcome to read and comment on my journal, and it makes me happy whenever someone does. Especially when they leave such a complete and thoughtful response.

Complete and thoughtful enough that I don't have much to say in return save my thanks.

I, too, was raised to believe that if I worked hard and did my best, it would be recognized and rewarded . . . perhaps it's a necessary thing for children to believe, but it's hard when that thinking comes into conflict with the real world and the knowledge that, sometimes, you're just not good at something, no matter how much hard work you put in. I spent hours and hours studying Calculus, and still could barely manage an average grade. Other things I could put in those same hours and do decently.

And then there are the things where I was only barely okay (Japanese), but too damn stubborn to let it stop me . . .

I . . . personally feel that there is only one area in which I actually excel, but that belief is not necessarily borne out by the rest of the world. It seems to be another of the things that I refuse to let go of, though.

But aside from this, the one thing that I deserve and lack the least is the kindness and support of others, and for that I am endlessly grateful.

The real world is hard to adjust to, isn't it? A place that operates by different rules . . . learning them can be the hardest of all.

Re: Please forgive me for intruding...

[beyondthemoor.livejournal.com]

"learning them can be the hardest of all."

Oh, hells yes.

It has become a bit of a joke in my department that I am now receiving 'tact lessons' from a senior admin who has more or less volunteered to mentor me, to save me from myself and my (rather blunt) common sense approach to things. Mostly because she started to despair that I kept being 'baptised by fire' in terms of processes & communications. Things are absolutely backwards sometimes at my office--and I was a bit too dense to realise that I wasn't supposed to remark on this... Repeatedly... XD The work I do is top-notch, but my tact/communication/political skills? Non-existent. That's what I had to slow down and learn.

But having slowed down to pay more attention to things like this, I'm getting much stronger, overall, in many other areas. : )

So if it is a schoolwork issue, talk to your profs--or a mentor, if you have one? See if there's something that someone forgot to tell you / assumed you already knew?... Ya never know. Perception and assumption can be tricky things. ;)

Good luck!

[misspaulette.livejournal.com]

You learn more from 1 'failure' than from 100 successes... I'm sure someone important, historical & smarter than me said that, a long time ago. But it's true. You are a fantastically-minded individual, but dangit, you can't expect to know how to do everything right off the bat. Give yourself a chance before you beat your self-confidence into a pulp (and by chance I mean more than a measly 3 months). I have the feeling that, knowing you, you'll figure out what you need to go from "unremarkable" to "fabulous" soon enough.

I use the term 'failure' because I, too, often see mediocrity in my work as a failure. Then I go back & figure out how to make it better. You can too ^__^

[grey-damaskena.livejournal.com]

It's hard to say . . . I look at my work and wonder how it can possibly be better than the work of those around me. Theirs always seems so much better . . . I guess it's that "the grass is always greener" syndrome at work. But we shall see how it goes. The marks determine it, for good and aye . . .