I met at early morn

[tsubame]

My shoulders and neck ache, tension and strain over the ache of overuse. Electricity traces the edges of the muscles, a pins-and-needles quiver persistantly out of reach. My hands interlace neatly on my stomach as I lie on the floor.

I don't remember what it feels like to hold someone's hand.

I went to a concert tonight, and my roommate was kind enough to go with me. Perhaps better if she hadn't, and I had gone alone; I don't think she enjoyed herself or was really interested. And all my paths are the same, and lead to the same destination. My path is always a lonely walk through the cold and the dark, towards an empty apartment and a sink full of dirty dishes. There have been a thousand thousand such walks, and there will be a thousand thousand more. I can see them in front of me, sometimes, the endless track of my footprints as they trace a crooked line to nowhere in particular.

College is almost over. A month to go, that's all. I don't know if I should be pleased or not, relieved or not. I don't feel any closer to the future than I was four years ago.

But at least then I had more hope.

It was supposed to be different-- how naive to say that, how foolish. I expected so much, dreamed as if those dreams could become reality. I was supposed to become.

And I have, I guess. But not who or what I wished to become. Not who or what anyone else wished, either. Instead I've just drifted further away, twisted down an endless spiral stair. I can't do it, I can barely connect to anyone on a superficial level. New friends, and keep ye old? Your joke is a bitter one, because I'm worse, not better, and helpless to turn back the wheel. As alone as I ever was, only perhaps now there's more merit to it.

Because it would be truly terrible to wish this on anyone, and yet I do, even though it's too late. That I should maintain such a desire at this point is a sin against my once-shining hopes, my unworthy ambition.

Comments

[lucifermourning.livejournal.com]

i love you.
*hugs*
many, many hugs.

::sighs::

[faerieboots.livejournal.com]

I did some of your dishes. And I DID enjoy the concert. Well... I enjoyed the Peelers. The Ruffians had a good pipist.

((Hugs))

I don't know what else to say.

[kumikoai33.livejournal.com]

When are only truly alone when we make ourselves alone.

And damn you for going to an Irish concert without me.

But seriously...meh....I'd say this better in person, so I will wait. But until then, *HUGU* XD

Future

[fractumentis.livejournal.com]

Your future is everything beyond the now. You will never be any closer or further from it than you have ever been. You will never be able to attain the future, as it ceases to be future the moment it is possessed and becomes the now.
Goals are important, but do not let them rule you. Think of them more as the stars by which you guide your path; things by which you might navigate your existence. Reaching said stars is not nearly as important as learning to enjoy the scenery you pass in your travels and the experiences that occur over the course of walking said path. And beyond this, it is not possible for you to lose your path, as it is manifest by each footfall and moment in your time.
Relax and live. Not for what was or what will be, but for what is. Conscious by choice and aware of all that surrounds you.
[Sorry for the poor articulation, my brain is in an eclectic state.]

[(Anonymous)]

You are always cared about, no matter where you go. There will never be a moment when we are not here for you. Everybody needs something sometimes. Just say the word.

~ silver neko

...
Even if neccessary for "herculien tasks", that matters like fuck, we will be there. Never think otherwise.