haruka haruka

[tsubame]

Playlist:

Kal Ho Naa Ho
Mahi Ve, Kal Ho Naa Ho
Passion, Utada Hikaru
Miss You, m-flo loves Melody and Yamamoto Ryohei
Hikari (planet B remix), Utada Hikaru
First Love (remix), Utada Hikaru



There are the dreams we have, and the dreams we are not allowed to have.

The dream that I have is not the dream that other people are allowed to have, I know. It takes me far from everything familiar, it throws me wingless into the void of the world, it tosses me beyond the gravitational pull of familiar stars. It is fullfillment, and also denial-- wandering monk-quester without a quest, prodigal without progress, seeker who has nothing to seek. I step forward without looking over my shoulder, so everyone behind me can see my back. I take this dream and make it my being, because this dream is the one I am allowed to have, and have it I will.

There are dreams that I am not allowed to have. The phone ringing, that is one. I can't even remember what it sounds like anymore. Nor can I remember the voices of my memories, the way the t's were crossed, or what it feels like to touch someone.

But those dreams at least I have the luxury of forgetting. That is part of the dream I am allowed to have. Allowed to have it, I chose it, and in choosing chose those dreams that I would forget.

I chose it, all of it, for the dreams that I am not allowed to have. I stepped forward without looking over my shoulder, so that the dreams I could not have would see only my back. So that they would know, as they rejected me, that I rejected them in turn. I chose pride and refused to reach for the dreams I could not have, so that they would never see me reaching. I chose my dream and the comfort of the knowledge that I had never reached.

All of this, I chose. And part of that choosing was knowing that I would not regret my choice, because I would put myself by my own will apart from the dreams I was not allowed to have. Choosing fate in order to be free.

But none of that can stop the wondering, the forgetting, the choosing. None of that can make me forget those dreams that I've forgotten. None of that can take away the desire for the dreams that I am not allowed to have, have chosen not to have, do not desire.

Comments

[lucifermourning.livejournal.com]

by the way, are you ever intending to send me your phone number?

[goddessofe.livejournal.com]

damn. just. damn.
if you want Passion...as I have the cd, and dld'd it long ago...etc...I can send it to ya next time you're on AIM...
also...if you check my post from a while back I uploaded it to the internet for everyone to dld at their leisure. So...yeah, should be like 2 or 3 back? I'm not too sure. I haven't posted in a while.